I usually only write when 2 things happen.

1. I have a little time.
2. I am fired up or feel very strongly about something.

Today the 2 worlds collided. I had a little bit of extra time and I got fired up.  My writing is never planned. 

I shared the below post on Facebook and the 3rd comment I got was from a friend of mine who is a black women about my age.  Her comment stung me….paraphrasing here: “it just seems strange to you because you now have a black child in the family but honey believe me its nothing strange. They look at us like we are animals or something. Its so frustrating but now you have a black child so its something you are going to face everywhere you go no matter how much you post about it. Welcome to our world”

My comment back to her was quick and straight from the heart. I did not even hesitate the words flowed: “Jesus be near and help us see with our eyes and hearts open. Think before we speak. Love before we judge. Our dream is it can become better. Our dream is to help, teach and educate people to see people as just that. People. One people. I am so sorry. But I am going to stand against it and use any power and privilege I have to change it”

You guys this has to end. How do we continue to consider ourselves better than others because of our skin color. It tears my heart open to hear her words…I meant every word of what I said back to her. I am sure people will drop flies around me (if they haven’t already)….those that this makes uncomfortable, those that think there is no race problem, those that think they are not racist or those that don’t believe or truly understand what white privilege is. But here is where I am, here is where I stand and I believe this is Holy ground and HARD ground. But what good is our privilege if we don’t use it for good and change?

We have a book study starting at One City next week called “Waking up White” we have almost 40 people signed up! This says to me people care…people want to learn and be better. People want to dig into the hard.

Here is my facebook post:

I just need to share this. It started off in anger and frustration but now it is more out of concern and love for other multiracial families.

I am speaking specifically based off a white family with a black child. I am sure other cultures and demographics have their own battles…but my experience is solely white parents and children with a black child.

Please- and I mean PLEASE – do not come up to us, in front of our children, and ask if she/he belongs to me.

Please- in a store/restaurant full of other white families with all white kids, don’t single out my family because we have “the cute black kid” (this has been said to us) and come to up to us and ask if she is ours, or where she is from, or ask us how old she is like she can’t talk. Or tell her she is so pretty over and over again. (Which she is but she will not be defined by her skin color or her “pretty”)

Please- don’t stare at us as we walk thru a park, store, restaurant…guess what we can see you staring. Teach your children not to stare, please.

Here is why. Children that don’t look like the other people in their family are very aware that they dont look like the other people in their family. (shocking right?)

So for a total stranger to come up and bring attention to a  fact that is already very evident is not only totally creepy, but it’s rude and it hurts and singles out someone who already feels different.  I think this may be the part people don’t understand or think about. These children are aware, actually VERY aware, they already feel different, many struggle with attachment disorders, abandonment issues and many other things. So for a stranger to come up and point out something that is very sensitive and that the family already deals with on a daily basis is so hurtful and brings up more hurts many times.

For the biological white children it is hurtful. They feel ignored and unimportant.  I cannot tell you how many times someone has came up to me and only looked at our daughter, only spoke to her, only asked her age, only asked her what grade she is going in while all my other children stand there oddly like they don’t exist. The other kids don’t say anything because they’ve been taught to be respectful, but it’s ignorant and yet again, hurtful.

Please– hear me out- share this with your kids, your families, your peers- because multiracial families are becoming more and more prevalent. If you see a multiracial family and you are curious or find their family dynamic interesting then talk to the parents AWAY from their kids. Please do not go up to them and start asking questions that may make you feel good, but unknowingly you are hurting that family, ripping off scabs that they work hard to heal or causing attachment issues to come to the surface even more. Families know by choosing foster care and adoption they are putting themselves in a position to be different and look different.  We accept that but don’t single out the kids, trust me they are dealing with a lot of stuff behind the scenes, you will be unknowingly adding to it. Then still, if you have questions you must know then single out the parents privately.

There is almost always hurt and abandonment behind that “cute” multiracial family. Please respect that and imagine if you had total strangers walking up to you asking if your child belongs to you in front of them. I promise if you ask the questions away from the kids you are going to get a much more truthful and nicer answer if you really want to know. If you just think a family is cute and interesting and you feel the need to tell them, our preference is to keep that to yourself, we already know we are cute and interesting.

Think before we speak. Love before we judge.

Show up. Get to know people different than you — guess what you’ll find out — they are actually the same as you!

We’ve got to do better!

 

 

Leaving a legacy….

Yesterday we laid my grandmother to rest.  

Today I am still mourning and celebrating her life. There is question that I keep asking myself “is everything I am doing in my life worthwhile?” Yes, I feel busy and productive and I feel like I get lots of stuff done but is it truly worthwhile? Or even deeper, is it Kingdom building and does it have eternal outcomes?

My grandma lived a very modest life in earthly terms. Many years of her life were hard and a struggle.  She told me stories of when they only had enough money to have bread and milk, they would put slices of bread in a bowl and pour milk over it, that was dinner. She worked hard over the 75 years of her life, she raised 3 kids retired from a factory job and then worked another 22 years for another business. When she passed away this past week she was living in a 700 square foot home.  In a worldly view she was not ‘rich’ and she was not living the American Dream of all the “things” we all wish and hope for.

But she was rich, because she was living a life committed to the Lord and full of spunk. She loved Jesus with all her heart and she had a feisty side to her that you sometimes didn’t want to cross.  Many times you didn’t need to wonder what she was thinking because she would let you know. You also didn’t have to wonder if she was committed to the Lord, she would let you know that as well. At her funeral her pastor shared how she would sit down next to people on a bench outside of Wal Mart and ask them if they knew Jesus.  He said she didn’t’ have a shameful bone in her body about sharing who Jesus was and what He did for her in her life.

I found a book in her house while looking for photos….in this book she had wrote:

My hands were made so I could help my neighbor.

My eyes were made so I could read His word.

My feet were made to walk after Him.

She lived this out.  At a very young age she took my dad in, her brother, and raised him as her son. She would always be the first to help her neighbor or friend.  Her eyes read His word and her lips prayed His word. Her feet walked after Him. She has told me for years that she was ready to go when Jesus was ready to take her.

She was the matriarch of our family. She constantly tried to get the family together for meals, to celebrate graduations, and to just stay connected as a family.  She was the leader, or at least that is the way I saw her. She loved her family with a vengeance and she loved her friends the same way. She was committed to her church and church family and was constantly talking about prayer chains and church gatherings. 

She left a legacy. She knew what was important and this is what she focused on, all the “other” stuff just didn’t matter. She loved her family, she loved her church, she loved her Jesus and she had whole lot of spunk to go with it. She had fun with her friends and coworkers and she made me laugh up until the very end. She is not leaving a big inheritance, or big house or fancy stuff now that she passed.  What she is leaving is a legacy. She is leaving us with more important stuff like loving your family, loving your friends, working hard, taking care of your neighbor, reading HIs word and walking in His way. She is leaving us with the courage to have a feisty side and to stand up for what is right and speak out against what is wrong and to not be afraid to apologize when you get it wrong. She is leaving us with memories and a legacy that are way more important than “things”.

I want to leave a legacy.  I want to make sure my time and all the work and busyness that I have is important and worthwhile. That it is kingdom building and life giving. I want to raise children that will know and want to follow that legacy. I want to allow my kids to have that feisty side without being ashamed or worried what people will say about it. I want to have fun and laugh and enjoy life. I want to a leave a legacy that at my funeral they say “she had a feisty side but she loved people, she loved the Lord, she was committed to her family and not only her words but her actions showed it”  

Isn’t it interesting how death causes us to have perspective? Or maybe it’s not interesting at all, maybe it’s actually part of the plan of how God speaks to us, even convict us. How he uses death to remind us of what’s important or more importantly how important He is.  My grandma is whole and healed and singing and dancing in Heaven I have zero doubt of that….here on earth she has left a legacy.

Leaving a legacy….what legacy are you leaving?  Or maybe a better question is what legacy do you want to leave? If you aren’t living the life of a legacy you want to leave, today may be the day to make the changes. Do it, make the changes. Even I have some changes I am making since her passing. We have to be ready, just as my grandma was, she constantly said “Raelenna I am ready when Jesus is ready to take me.”  

I would love to know your thoughts on what legacy you want to leave.

 

The first day of my {new} life…December 29th 2002.

This one is more personal, more Jesus and seems a little more real life than my normal posts. But since I named this blog Real Life Real Jesus, I guess it is fitting. I did debate with myself about  sharing, but couldn’t kick the feeling which normally for me means I am suppose to get uncomfortable and do it.

15 years ago today I met Jeremy. 15 years ago today I met Jesus. Yep, you read that write I met them both on the same day.

15 years ago this month I lost my grandma, our Nana. It was unexpected and quick. It also quickly tore me apart. She was a huge part of my life and so very important to me and Riley. The gap without her was like a missing link to my life and it was felt instantaneously when she died. I immediately began re-evaluating my life. I was 26 years old, single mom, and really never had felt like I was living the life I was suppose to, but I was having fun and fairly comfortable and really had no courage or no idea of any other way. Until she died.

11 days after my grandma died I woke up and knew I needed to do things differently. My grandma always told me “you need to start going to church and get your life straightened out”. That Sunday in 2012 I knew I needed to go to church and that is exactly what I did. I went to church for the first time in…..well forever.

I also knew I didn’t want to go to church in the small town I lived in. There really weren’t a lot of church options and everybody knew me in town. I felt like people knew me in a way that I would never have a chance at a clean slate. I never had anyone tell me this, it was much more just my own guilt and issues, but nonetheless it was how I felt. I was on a mission for a fresh start. That’s exactly what I got.

Riley and drove to the big city of Cape and I walked into the small church off Mt Auburn Road that Sunday morning not knowing a single person. Oddly enough, it was refreshing to have the feeling that no one knew me or anything about me. I could just be me.

Can I tell you what happened? I felt loved and welcomed instantly. Everyone greeted me so kindly and caringly, introducing themselves to me and sincerely happy to have me there. I think almost every person there made it a point to say hi to me that morning. Now for many people that may have been a little overwhelming but for me, it is exactly what I needed. I needed the feeling of being welcomed and invited in.

Can I tell you what did not happen to me? Not one single person asked me if I was married or where my husband was. Not one person said “you look too young to have a daughter this age” not one person asked me where I had went to church previously. Not one person made me feel uncomfortable. This my friends was the game changer for me.

All of my perceptions and preconceived thoughts of church was judgement, hypocrites, get all dressed up for the “show”, looking down on me, feeling sorry for me and so many rules. In that stage of my life I was very anti-rules.

I will never forget that morning and how it felt so refreshing to feel so welcomed. I can still see it in my head  as vividly as if it was yesterday. I still see the faces, the greetings and the genuine smiles.

All this greeting happened before the church service even began. Then the service begin and this young man walked up to the microphone welcomed everyone and began leading worship that day. Can you guess who it was?

Now I have to be honest here this was not love at first sight. I actually had a very serious long term live in boyfriend at the time. So I wasn’t thinking “oh wow here is the love of my life I’ve been waiting on”

After the service the same young man that was leading worship came over and introduced himself to me. He was the associate pastor and youth pastor of the church. He was so kind and friendly, just like all the others. Not asking weird or uncomfortable questions, just generally trying to get to know me and Riley. Then he invited me to a small group. He was  leading a young adults small group that met once a week and that I was more than welcome to come.

That day I met Jesus through people in a church accepting me and showing me love for just who I was. That day I met Jeremy because he genuinely cares about people and wanted to invite me to a small group  (And maybe later I’ve been told he called dibs)

I have lots more feelings and emotions about that morning, some are pretty funny inside stories that I was told later about that morning between Jeremy and one of his best friends. Some are pretty emotional feelings and some are actually pretty weird because church and church people were so new to me. Just too much to share in this short blog post.

When I left that Sunday morning and headed back home I knew my life was different. I felt a peace and hope that I had never felt before. It’s still really hard to describe other than I just felt more alive and more of who I was supposed to be than I had ever felt in my life and I wanted more.

I jumped all in. I began going to church there every Sunday. I went to the young adults small group that Jeremy lead and met some of the best people I had ever met in my life. They were part of me becoming who I am today. I began meeting with the senior pastor privately learning about Jesus and salvation. For the first time in my life I began to believe and understand acceptance and forgiveness. After only a couple months I knew that I was sold out. I knew my life needed to be different and I knew I was going to make big life changes. I ended my long-term relationship, got baptized in that church and accepted the forgiveness I needed to release me to be me. I started talking to Jeremy more and more frequently that turned quickly into dating that quickly turned into engaged that quickly turned into marriage.  (Jeremy and I were married 10 months after meeting)

-Sidenote here- I’m pretty sure my family thought I lost my mind. I’m not sure because I never really asked them but if I was betting I would bet that they thought I was going off the deep end.  But they never showed it and they never tried to stop me and for that I am thankful, they fully supported me and all the changes.

Acceptance and forgiveness are beautiful things. Two things that I had never encountered in my life before. I had so much guilt about my past and about decisions I had made that I never really accepted myself. For many years I settled for believing that this is what I get, you make dumb decisions then you pay the consequences (forever). You know the stupid old saying “this is the bed you’ve made”. I also believed the lie that no one would ever really accept me. Mainly because I never accepted myself.

But Jeremy did. I remember late into the night he would talk to me about forgiveness and acceptance through Jesus. I remember one specific night very early on when I knew I had to tell him everything about my past and my life. I didn’t want to go into this relationship with any hidden secrets or shame. Deep down I think I was giving him an “out” if he wanted out before we got too far into our relationship. So I told him all the things that I thought were my deepest darkest secrets. I’ll never forget what he said to me “Raelenna that is your old life. That is not who you are anymore, you have new life. It says in the Bible when you were baptized and you go under that water it is your old life being washed away, when you come back up out of the water you are washed clean, you are new creation. Everything from your past is forgiven and forgotten”. The he said the most amazing unforgettable words “none of that matters to me”

To this day if I begin to have any feelings of regret or shame from my previous life I almost instantly hear the words Jeremy spoke over me, which are actually words straight from the bible. That is your old life this is your new life. None of that matters anymore

This day 15 years ago is where my life really began. Don’t let me fool you though, it was scary and hard to make those changes that were needed, but I was all in. Normally when I make my mind up, there is no turning back. That day I really did feel like I became a new person. Many people that have known me for years had said to me (especially early one) “something is different about you”, “you are so much nicer” (for real I had a bad temper), “you feel so much happier”. I usually would just smile at them and say thank you. I knew what the change was, it was a change in my heart, it was forgiveness and acceptance, it was new life, it was Jesus.  

One last side note about myself…growing up I always wanted to be big time business woman. I always loved business stuff, my aunt was in the business world in the city and I thought it was so cool. I wanted to wear fancy suits and walk around the city being my own boss and running a business. When people would ask me what do you want to do when you grown up “be a business woman”.  Becoming a mom at 18 and never finishing college, I just needed a good job. That had became my goal, a good job. But after that day when I met Jesus and Jeremy I began to dream again for myself, for Riley and for our life. You know what came back to me? My love and desire for being a business woman. Because of my new freedom and my feeling of new life I began to dream again which took my thoughts right back to the business world. I got my real estate license almost 14 years ago. No, I am not in the big city wearing fancy suits (total 90’s thing I think), but I am running my very own successful real estate business along with a couple other ventures and I love it. I feel more alive and like me when I am working than I do in most other aspects of my life.

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give

you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4

Even though I didn’t know God for the first 26 years of my life, He already knew me. He knew exactly what church I needed to walk into, He knew exactly what kind of people I needed that day, He knew what husband I needed, He knew what job I needed, He knew the desires of my heart. Even the desires I didn’t even know.

I always try to end a blog with encouragement….so if you are someone who knows your life is not what it is supposed to be, listen closely to your heart and that small inner voice. What do you feel like you are suppose to do? What changes do you know deep down you are suppose to be making? Maybe you already go to church and have a relationship with God….if so, pray and listen. Read the bible, if you don’t know where to start google keywords that you want to read about. This can lead you to the right scriptures, I do this all the time. Seek someone you trust and talk to them. Or maybe you have never fully forgiven yourself for something from your own past? Or maybe you need to forgive someone else? Accept the forgiveness that is given freely to you by belief and the salvation in Jesus. I can tell you there is nothing worse than feeling like you are living a life that is not your life.

Church people- please say hi to people standing in your lobbies looking around or trying to hide in the back. Go up and introduce yourself, welcome them, tell them you are so glad they are here, invite them to something and smile. You never know who is walking in that door and what they are searching for. But I do think it’s safe to say most people walk into a church looking for acceptance, forgiveness and community. We can give people that. That is the church… that is Jesus.

So there it is my quick and shorten version of my love story with the 2 most important people in my life. I am eternally grateful for my grandmothers influence in my life, without her I am not sure I would have ever met Jeremy or Jesus.

Happy New Year Everyone!

I always love this time of year–the New Year….it’s like a fresh start all over again!

 

I am in a season of hard. And if I am in a season of hard that means my family is in a season of hard.

God has called us to a new ministry,  a new non-for-profit. When I say new I mean new in all aspects. There is nothing exactly like what we are doing  so we can’t copy.  New as in from the ground up, no money, no people, no nothing. Just a dream, with Jeremy and I and our 4 amazing Board of Directors.  But we are in full belief we are suppose to do this and in full faith that if He called us to it He will do it.

With all this “new” it is hard. It’s not what I want, I’m being honest here. But it is what we are suppose to do.  Jeremy and I both still have real full time jobs with employees and lots of people depending on us. We have 5 kids to still try to raise and parent and at the very minimum just get them to school on time. Let alone our “wants” and things in life that are fun thing we want to do.

It is hard. I am tired.

Last spring when we were launching One City I was driving home on a long drive, tired and exhausted. Overwhelmed by this huge task that God has called our family to. I was crying and driving. I tend to do that often.  As I was driving along I was saying to myself “I want to quit”. In my mind I was rationalizing everything. If I quit now it wont matter, if I quit now we have not received anyones else’s money. If I quit now we can just re-sale the building. If I quit now we can live a “normal” life. I was a hot mess of trying to rationalize quitting on One City before it ever even had a chance to take off.

Here is what I heard oh so very clearly “I called you to this because I know you wont quit”.  Mic drop.

It was the smack myself in the face and pull yourself together moment. The voice from the Lord was right, I won’t quit. I just won’t do it.  Unless God tells me to step away or quit, I will not.  I am a not a quitter on this one. It is hard and it is scary and we are walking into territory we have ZERO clue on, but I will not quit.

I took the this morning off and sat on my couch and stared at nothing. I was once again feeling weary because we didn’t get a grant we were hoping for. Sitting here thinking we have no idea how we are going to do what we know we know we are suppose to do in 2018. But I will not quit.

This morning as I sat and thought about all this in front of us, I heard the words again “I know you won’t quit”.

I have quit before on things. I am not saying anyone out there that has quit on something should feel shame or less of yourself. I have been there. I have quit on many many things in life. But this one, I know God has called our family straight into the face of hard and we can’t quit.  Because the thing about One City is not about me or my family,  it is about the Kingdom of God, it’s about His people.

I read a book recently called “Chase the Lion” in it it says “your dreams should be so big that they will fail without divine intervention”. I can honestly say with my whole heart we are living this right now. Without divine intervention this will fail. It is so far out of our hands, we are just taking one step at a time. And guess what? We are seeing diving intervention almost daily. I will not quit.

Even in the hard we are finding joy and happiness we would have never experienced otherwise. Our family is becoming stronger together in ways we never would have. Our kids are learning to be stretched out of their comfort zone and they are learning sacrifice of their own “wants’ to what God wants. Is it easy, no. Is it good for us, yes.

I am grateful for the hard. But hard is hard. Today my way of processing was to write. So bear with me. I am not re-reading this and correcting it 20 times. I am typing and writing, saving and posting. I need some grace on this post friends because I am not overthinking it and over writing it. Errors will be everywhere, I am sure of it.

My family and I recently watched the Miss Universe pageant together (funny right, we love it though). One of the contestants was asked what was the best advice you’ve ever been given. She said my grandma always told me this “You do not fail until you quit”.  I LOVED it.  Go grandma!!  This has become a family favorite saying for us.  It also felt pretty fitting for this post.

You do not fail until you quit.

I will not quit.